A Stay at Home Comedian on Coronavirus

Let’s begin with the cliché of the pandemic: “These are crazy times.” But don’t worry, you’ll be fine as long as you stay home, wash your hands, don’t touch your face. Wear gloves, use sleeves, disinfect everything, stay six feet apart. Stay safe. Stay calm. Stay positive, this will all be over in 2–18 months.

My days are busy. I self-quarantine, self soothe, and self stimulate. I have dinner with imaginary friends, and home school myself. I’m fifty but I have a lot to learn. I’m learning new languages, taking virtual tours of the world and studying to be a lawyer while I cook like a culinary artist and workout like a competitive athlete. Oh please. I do nothing and have less to talk about. I’m unmotivated, tired, and have no energy. Or am I sick? Truthfully this isn’t all much different from my regular life so it’s hard to tell. Except now I worry about elevator buttons, door knobs, steering wheels, keys. I don’t know how to structure my day. I sleep a lot then wake up to a nightmare. I feel like an infant. Am I hungry? Tired? Dirty? Is it time to eat? Nap? Cry? I’m so confused. I FaceTime 40 people in ten hours and wonder if this is normal or I’m too needy. I don’t shower. I can’t read. I dress like crap, eat like shit and worry about my cholesterol. I suffer through Trump, Apple News, Daily Mail, CNN, DJIA and hundreds of memes on Instagram. Arguing on Facebook is my new cardio.

All day long we are fed ridiculous and contradicting stories. They tell you don’t believe everything you read, stop watching the news, stay informed but don’t panic. Be careful where you get your information. Go to sources you can trust. Like for example someone sent me a article titled: “Scammers dressed in lab coats knocking on doors for ‘coronavirus testing.’” Oh this is wonderful. Knock knock. Who’s there? Fake Corona testing. Great. Then my father called and told me to buy a portable hair dryer (never heard of such a thing) and to blow dry my entire body before entering my apartment. Excellent idea. Then after I “blow myself” I can go inside and think: “Is it warm in here or do I have a fever?” Then I can take my temperature and when it’s normal assume the thermometer (since it’s old) is broken, then go on Amazon and find one that cost $123 and will take 3 months to 6 years to get here from China. No sooner do I tell this insanity to a friend who…