How to Put Your Koala Bear Up for Adoption

He snarls at children, influencers, and anyone who starts a chat with “hey”

Pam Gaslow

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Photo Credit: Unsplash

Back in 2014 a Craigslist ad about someone selling a Koala Bear named Gumnut went viral.

I responded to that ad. This is what that looked like.

Dear owner:

This is so weird but I also have a koala bear that I’m looking to rehome. Maybe you want him? His name is Gumbutt. I named him that because when I rescued him I thought he had gum on his butt, but it turned out to just be Silly Putty.

I too was in the dark about what to ask for a used koala bear, and when I googled “used koala bears” the only thing that came up was your ridiculous fucking ad, so here we are. Anyway, I rescued Gumbutt from the paint section at Home Depot on Third Avenue in New York City. He is my first and last Koala Bear. He’s 47 years old and a notary. He also validates parking tickets at an upscale mall every other Thursday. He has a decent disposition, however he snarls at children, influencers, and anyone who starts a chat with “hey”. His drink of choice is Sex on the Beach and when he’s drunk he likes to dance provocatively in a cage with garters on. Every Sunday, after church, he cross dresses as a wallaby, just to fuck with my dogs. He collects dolls with big eyes and short skirts. He’s on a strict diet of ham and Spam. Occasionally, he likes a spicy tuna roll (inside out), but only from Nobu. He hates TV and avocados and smashed both on the floor. He sleeps 23 hours a day because he’s exhausted from his wild imagination, the voices in his head, and Xanax. He despises the mailman. He carries a concealed weapon underneath his mink poncho. Since he’s afraid of heights we put him on the bottom bunk, and we suggest you do the same. He once tried to burn down the house, but it was just a misunderstanding. We have a love/hate relationship with Gumbutt, but since we don’t know where he came from we can’t ship him back. A psychic told us he is probably from The Red Sea, or Malta, but we think he’s…

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Pam Gaslow

Comedian and top writer in humor. Miami based. IG: @pamgaslow, pam@pamgaslow.com. Subscribe to my mailing list: https://upscri.be/fpacdo