I’ll Take Faking Foreign Accents for $100, Alec

Photo: IG

Hillary Thomas Baldwin is a white, non-Hispanic from Boston who doesn’t know how to say cucumber, even though she pronounces it perfectly and with no accent.

Hilaria Thomas Baldwin is another person, way more interesting, cultured, worldly, and let’s be honest — annoying as hell. Through extensive social media research of the past six minutes I’ve put together a brief psychological profile on her and the results are insecure wannabe with Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS). “Some people affect a foreign accent consciously in order to gain attention or take on a new and more glamorous identity.” In other words, she is — how do you say in English — a con artist?

Hola!

One of the great things in life is that it’s SO easy to lie. One of the not so great things is getting caught. I mean it’s one thing to randomly adopt a fake accent based on a language that’s not your native tongue, it’s another thing to say you’re actually from a country that you’re not. Especially when you’re famous and there’s something called the Internet. I mean that’s like me telling you that I’m from Long Island, NY, which isn’t so interesting, BUT as a child, I went to Disneyland once for a half-hour and fell in love with Minnie Mouse. I spent a lot of time talking to Minnie, (who by the way doesn’t talk back) and as a result, I now look, act, and don’t speak — just like her. Upon my return home I immediately disowned my Long Island roots (who would remember them anyway?) and accent and changed my birth certificate (in my head and Photoshop). I proudly hail from Disney and don’t you ever question my propensity to be a complete psychopath ungrounded in reality. I might be delusional but that’s my right and none of your business. I am so proud of my fake heritage! I have four beautiful kids whose names are Donald, Goofy, Mini Minnie, and Mickey. My husband is Dopey, as if it wasn’t obvious.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Poor Hilaria. Lying and lying and getting caught and going on Instagram and double-talking with no makeup and a look of distress. It’s stupid and it’s sad. But really, who cares? I understand that she might have taken jobs and attention away from others, but she didn’t kill anyone. Cultural appropriation seems worse than capital murder these days. Everyone needs to lighten up! There’s no law against “wannabes,” is there?

Let’s be honest — we are living in one of the worst times in recorded history and we are loving this stupid insanity. It’s the breather we all needed. Between Trump and Covid I think we should thank her for the break in a year-long never-ending negative news cycle. I say pardon her. Forgive her indiscretions. But for sure unfollow her and never trust anyone who wears lingerie while holding a newborn baby and castanets. I made the castanets part up but, like her fake accent, just go with it.

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Comedian and top writer in humor. Miami based. IG: @pamgaslow, pam@pamgaslow.com. Subscribe to my mailing list: https://upscri.be/fpacdo

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