Image: Pam Gaslow (at 47)

I recently turned 50. I didn’t want to turn 50. I tried hard not to. It happened anyway.

50 is both a milestone and a mindfuck, and not to brag, but I made it in one piece. I also made it without any unwanted pregnancies and no arrests. I didn’t marry any idiots, get any embarrassing tattoos when I was drunk, or buy a lion on a whim. By anyone’s standards, I’m a modern-day success story.

No matter how young you feel or how good you look, 50 is a tough pill to swallow. You can’t help but reflect back…


I’m sure there are at least two or three (hundred thousand) hot Israelis who can’t wait to meet me and my impure motives

Photo: Author

Once upon a time I went to Israel and met an insanely hot former IDF sex god. Besides the fact that he was unavailable, lived across the world, and smoked 400 cigarettes a day, he was perfect for me.

My obsession quickly went off the psycho meter and now it’s escalated to my learning to speak Hebrew. Yes, one man inspired me to learn an entire language. I mean, I’m not learning it just for him. I’m sure there are at least two or three (hundred thousand) other hot Israelis who can’t wait to meet me and my impure motives.


Summer is seven months long and snakes come out of the toilet bowl

Photo: Unsplash/James Lee

I moved to Miami Beach from New York in 2015. I moved not knowing anyone and not having a job. No one there seemed to work, or work too hard, so I fit right in.

If you’re considering moving to south Florida you should first ask yourself the following questions: Do you like sharks where you swim? Pressing 2 for English? Twerking at red lights? Do you like thirty inches of rain in a hour, and news stories about parents leaving their kids in boiling hot cars for days by “accident”? If you answered no, move somewhere else.

Florida is…


Astrology Humor

What is a Capricorn? And do I care?

Photo: Unsplash

I’m a Capricorn and I don’t know what that means except I grew up in New York and seasonal affective disorder and hypothermia were always an integral part of my birthday. They merely added to the not-joy of getting older.

Capricorns should keep in mind that their pessimism can hinder their productivity.

Clearly. I’ve been a Capricorn for fifty years and I’m just now getting around to making fun of it. Better late than never!

But what is a Capricorn? And do I care?

Capricorn is the tenth astrological sign in the zodiac out of twelve total zodiac signs, originating…


Photo: Andre Benz/Unsplash

I lived in New York City for twenty years. I was one of those “I love New York/greatest city on earth” die-hard psychos who believed there was nowhere else on the planet to live. After two decades the weather, endless gloom, and eight months a year of seasonal depression (that antidepressants, a psychopharmacologist, a psychologist, and a lightbox couldn’t fix) was too unbearable to counter-argue with the remaining nice four months. The place I claimed to love was slowly killing me. …


Larry David’s daughter’s neurotic, self-deprecating, insightful debut book reassures that we’re all actually ok

Photo: Hollywood Reporter

I just finished Cazzie David’s first autobiographical book, “Nobody Asked For This.” Written in essay form she describes her life struggles as a neurotic, insecure, self-deprecating, extremely self-aware privileged female. She dissects her relationship with her mother, her sister, her famous comedian/writer/actor father, and her famous ex-boyfriend Pete Davidson. She claims over and over that she’s embarrassed about everything, but I’m glad she wasn’t too embarrassed to write this book.

I love Cazzie David. I love her humor, her honesty, her discomfort, and her signature “I’m already done with this life” look. I love that she’s raw and vulnerable. I…


Photo: IG

Hillary Thomas Baldwin is a white, non-Hispanic from Boston who doesn’t know how to say cucumber, even though she pronounces it perfectly and with no accent.

Hilaria Thomas Baldwin is another person, way more interesting, cultured, worldly, and let’s be honest — annoying as hell. Through extensive social media research of the past six minutes I’ve put together a brief psychological profile on her and the results are insecure wannabe with Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS). “Some people affect a foreign accent consciously in order to gain attention or take on a new and more glamorous identity.”


Photo credit: @tooturnttoni

What do you do when a global pandemic has shut everything down and your most marketable skill is funneling beer bongs topless and playing with ducks? You start a TikTok account, create brilliant entertaining content, and gain 5.5 million followers in nine months.

His name is Anthony (@tooturnttoni) He’s 25, and an extremely delicious looking 6’3” “Retired model turned duck farmer.” He left New York City in March and retreated to his parent’s home in rural Michigan for the Coronavirus lockdown. Since then he’s been posting daily TikToks of his shenanigans — working out wearing half shirts and leopard print…


HUMOR

Where’s the lie?

Photo:Unsplash

If you think anyone is as excited about your wedding as you are I have news for you — they’re not. Most of your friends, relatives, co-workers, employees, or members of your glam squad don’t want to go to your wedding. Out-of-towner’s really don’t want to go. Also, no one wants to be in your wedding party.

No one wants to go to your bridal shower or your cheesy three-day bachelorette drunk fest in disgusting Las Vegas. No one is interested in your annoying rehearsal dinner the night before, or your auxiliary brunch the day after. Stop the fucking insanity.


Venmo is a sprawling, cryptic financial soap opera, and I can’t stop watching.

Image: Unsplash

*Venmo transactions are public by default as part of its social strategy. “We make it default because it’s fun to share [information] with friends in the social world.”

— A Venmo representative

People’s Venmo transactions tell me a lot about them. I’m not sure why anyone chooses to keep them public, but I assume it’s so I can pry into their personal lives, concoct amusing anecdotes, share them with thousands of people, and profit off the results. Venmo is a sprawling, cryptic financial soap opera, and I can’t stop watching.

Let’s start with my cousin Alex, who I don’t speak…

Pam Gaslow

Comedian and top writer in humor. Miami based. IG: @pamgaslow, pam@pamgaslow.com. Subscribe to my mailing list: https://upscri.be/fpacdo

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